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My Restless Heart

November 12, 2015
Being home these past 2 months has been absolutely fabulous. Eating American foods again, spending time with family and loving on my nephew, attending my home church again, and just being comfortable again in an *easy* environment (America) has been so nice. But as anyone who has lived overseas can attest to, it’s not all fun and games coming back “home.” When your heart and soul have lived and breathed and loved in a hundred different places, it’s hard to ever truly be completely “at home” again. My heart has been all over the place these past two months. Literally. Some days it roams the fast-paced bustle of urban Moscow and some days it lingers on a deserted  beach in the paradise of Australia. The heart is a funny, fickle thing.

Some days my heart wants a perfect American life with a nice husband and a nice clean suburban  house. And some days, the majority of days actually, my heart wants to be on a foreign field where I’m forced to daily draw my strength from Christ and to know my help comes from him alone. My heart wants the intense closeness to him that being in a foreign land brings. And then sometimes my heart wants to throw aside every responsibility and just spend my days roaming and exploring this planet with no one to report to and no set plan to follow. My heart wants to wander down hidden alleys and lose itself in the wonder of new places and new faces. A lot of days my heart wants to live with little in a faraway country so that I can give away lots to those who have need. Often my heart wants to  sit in the middle of an abandoned, overgrown playground on the other side of the world and share the awesome news that is Jesus with a little girl who’s never heard. And then there are days when my heart wants to just go buy new outfits and purses and shoes and go on fun dates with cute boys. And then again my heart wants to be in heaven, in the presence of Jesus, worshipping with saints I’ve only read about. A lot of times my heart wants to spend my days with family, remembering all the fun times and cuddling with lots of nephews and nieces. But then my restless heart wants to wander the globe photographing everything it sees and then open a cute boutique somewhere and sell prints and cards to everyone.
My heart bursts when I think about all of this. It’s overwhelming. I want it all. At the same time.

Do you ever feel like this? If you haven’t traveled overseas much or lived overseas, this might not make sense. But if you have, I know you understand completely.
The only answer I have is to daily be intentional about resting in Christ and His timing and His plan, and intentionally focus on today and its blessings and joys. I am constantly trying to rush ahead of God’s timing and His plan, but I know 100% that His timing and His ways are perfect and I’ve experienced that a thousand times over. The knowing brings peace even when my heart doesn’t feel it.
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