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Who am I if I am not an Expat?

April 29, 2015

Who am I if I am not a redhead? I’ve always felt a strong attachment to my hair color, as weird as that sounds. [it’s probably a redhead thing, I can’t be alone in this. Can I?]

But today’s thought was: Who am I if I am not an expat?

I booked my flight “home” today and for a few minutes afterwards was elated. Then later on in the day it hit me.
This means I only have 4 months left in Australia.
Then I started to panic. I’m not ready to leave this Australian life just yet. There is so much I still want to see and do. And…I’m not ready to be living back in America yet.
I ran into a new friend from my new church at the grocery store today. It was such a nice surprise to see a familiar face when I least expected it. She asked me about my recent road trip and then told me “welcome home.” Then she smiled and repeated home with air quotation marks. I knew what she meant. Later on as I was unloading groceries and thinking back to our conversation, these words popped into my head: “home is here…home is there… home is kinda everywhere.” [I read too many Dr. Seuss books as a kid].
My thoughts are a jumbled mess these days. Not in a confused sort of way, I actually feel really at peace. It’s just that there is, or will be soon, so much to think about, so much to process and so many decisions that need to be made.
I am elated to be seeing family again soon, but the thought of living in America again gives me pause. On the one hand I had been dreaming about that normal life off and on for months [mostly on days where I can’t find what I need in the grocery story, or when things that should take 20 minutes in a life you are familiar with take over an hour and become frustrating. That and when I start to miss my wardrobe again.] But on the other hand, who am I if I am not an expat? It’s something I have become used to. A role I snuggled into and made all comfy and warm and familiar, such as it can be, fluid life that it is. Without trying to, or meaning to, it has become an identity of sorts, and I have a hard time imagining myself without it.
Many, many good articles have been written on the topic of repatriating, so I don’t need to go into all that. (Google “I am a Triangle” to read a fabulous piece that explains what people repatriating go through). Anyways, I say all that to say that I am not sure what is next. I’m not even sure, at this point, what I want to be next. I guess that’s part of this whole living by faith thing that I am not always so good at. But I am trying. And I know God will show me what is next. And, I am sure, He will give me the desire for it, just as He did for Russia and Australia.
But in the meantime, you can bet I will be packing as much Australian adventure as I can into these next 4 months!
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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 30, 2015 5:51 am

    Looking forward to read about your Australian adventures!

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